i KNOW myself... At least I'm getting to know her...
In that sense I look through my irrational feelings, outbursts and actions. I try to detach myself early from hazardous ppl and situations - that is emotionally of course. I strongly believe in the motto 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger'. So I never intend to avoid a bad situation by fleeing, I did that once in my life in a big argument and it just didn't feel right. Hence, I go for emotional detachment once the danger is recognized.
The worse is when I detach to such a point that its unnecessary but still in need for me being more comfortable since I'll be feeling more safe. So what are the boundaries?the limits? Am I a good enough judge , albeit a prejudiced one, to chose my defences?
Being scared is normal, choosing books over company is founded on the soundness of the choice of secure entertainment (books) over unreliable and unbalanced people (company of friends). Thus, clashing with numerous quotes such as :
'the only way to make no mistakes is to be doing nothing'
So I guess I am going through a period where I am testing my high and my lows but without the balance I feel too happy or too unhappy at times. Of course that is part of the balance, the too happy to outweigh the too unhappy (I would not like to use the term sad, as sad I am not) and thus learning to grow up and accept the bad with the good.
My burden in all that is that of my father. Born me at his 48th year of age (who starts a family when in his 50s??????) with no previous predicament of sorts and hence coming to his 72nd year where he has started a new business along with the old one for his children to take over when out of college. After a ga-zillion mistakes both businesses are broke as the family's finances and kids are left to fight off debts by selling property in their names...And all that by being indebted (I at least) when still in university!!!!!!!Just of my fathers vanity and over-indulgent belief that he will live forever. Obnoxious. Intolerable. Man do as you wish with YOUR life but leave me the heck alone!I have not deserved this for which the biggest mistake is to trust you even though signs of your incompetence have been slapping on my face for these 2 years I'm back trying to cover up your mess!You imbecile! Get a grip you sucker!You have been played at so many times and still you play your part as a sucker still and thus confirm my deepest fears that you are not acting the sitting bull strategy but that you are a sucker of a scum who has taken advantage of you and your family and of that you do nothing but still feed in the hopes he feeds you of opportunities he can only provide you!WAKE UP!
I feel justified because I have tried. First in a nice way, for 3-6 months max, trying to woo him into telling me what he's talking about with the scum and figure out WHY he's still conversing with him on anything let alone our business!our FAMILY business!!
Then frustration kept building up so I had the most maniac, out of proportions outbursts trying to blame somebody and let it not be my father who seemed such a victim of the scums all around him.
But then realization hit!THE SCUMS DIDN'T JUST SHOW UP!!!!!He had a lot of time to make the choices to lead us here!and most of all : IT IS NOT MY F**** FAULT!!!thank G for that last one for I would have lost my wits all together.
Two years now, things have settled to a course where we will have a chance of survival but his attachment to his favorite scum has not deteriorated. So a couple of months ago my outbursts and fits were turned into lectures and tantrums on my leave out of his life and our house(which is by the way in my and my other sibling's name).
None of that took any space in his straight, out-of-reality-but-his-own brain so now, today I disowned my relation to him. It is grave but so is all of his psychological violence I have fed up with two years now. I know I'll regret this but all I feel is that if I don't stand up for myself now I will perish in will and strength of self righteousness.
Parents make mistakes. No prob with that. But keep paying it for no obvious reason?I'm no masochist how much ever I love him he has let me down in protecting and acknowledging me. The threats I laid two months ago took no space and today within my explosion of emotions and truths I am trying to get him to 'get' I threatened him of actually kicking him out!That's the only time when he listens. When heavilly threatened. That's when he only actually showed a change of emotion. Which was of course regret, of actually trusting me but which of course was his choice. Thats when my mother actually stood up for me and asked 'Do you really believe she could do that?' Thats when he confirmed what I thought : 'Well, yes but that would be from my initial mistake of trusting her in the first place'. OH PLEASE Mr self-rigtheous!!Do please get over yourself and just grow up!!!!!!
My mother of course started a sarcastic laugh and thats when I realised that I would never actually do that. I am a nice person, I was two years ago for sure, and still try to survive as one but deep hurts teach you how to change into something, anything needed to survive. Thank G I'm not an alcoholic and I haven't found a source of getting weed. I did flirt with alcoholism on a period but it made me a bit too sleepy and dowsy...
All you need is loveeeeeeee.......I used to have a lot of love but now I'm filled with fantasies of kicking his head of and actually harming him!!!Anything I tell him has no effect!even when my insults grow worse, NOTHING!I'm done.
I first realized my father may die when I was 13 and he had a health problem of sorts. I was so depressed and sad.... I thought I was prepared since then that he will be gone one day. But now I need to protect any more harm in me. Disown him for good out of my heart. That should be tricky. I started two months ago. My rational judgement inside my head does tell me that
a)I will regret this
b)I should show him love and woe him into the right behaviour that will help our business
c)I would have been better off being a lamb and not shouting even once.
But I am so furious I cant consider letting him go that easy.
He has been naive and careless to the extent of stupidity thanks to his vanity of strength and immortality. This was very hard to grasp and that was my realization 2 months ago. May the outer forces help me for I am in need of strength to keep sane.
Most unfortunate is that nobody can understand me. Only me me.
