Small opinions gathered make a person exist

Saturday, March 27, 2010

New books!!!within a week,,,

New books I've finished!first one is:
Traditional Regencies --> The Fortune Hunter : Amy (Amethyst) and Harry Crisp
and the second, just finished today:
Malloren Family --> Tempting Fortune : Bryght and Portia

The traditional regency suggests no obscene scenes of sex which is preferable since my initial inclination to regency romance is the propriety and limits of sexual innuendoes in everyday life, something that today is unheard of. So with the absence of such intrusive descriptions the occasional disheveling and prohibited arousal of the heroes is much more entertaining and effective than the actual act's detailed descriptions.
It is rather like when a woman wears a dress see-through showing off everything and with no underwear and a lucius woman wearing a decent dress suggesting that she might not be wearing any underwear. You get the hint?Better leaving something for the imagination
Less is more...
Hence my belief that anyone can be a slut but can you be a hunter?Having men as pray rather than being their victims?
ouf, that is why I love those stories. The men heroes are falling for their women flat out because they are drawn to them. That is not happening anywhere near my 'suitors'. They are cold hearted from their fear of closeness and intimacy or run away at the first sight of comfortability.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Parents..... why should I pay for their mistakes???

i KNOW myself... At least I'm getting to know her...
In that sense I look through my irrational feelings, outbursts and actions. I try to detach myself early from hazardous ppl and situations - that is emotionally of course. I strongly believe in the motto 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger'. So I never intend to avoid a bad situation by fleeing, I did that once in my life in a big argument and it just didn't feel right. Hence, I go for emotional detachment once the danger is recognized.

The worse is when I detach to such a point that its unnecessary but still in need for me being more comfortable since I'll be feeling more safe. So what are the boundaries?the limits? Am I a good enough judge , albeit a prejudiced one, to chose my defences?
Being scared is normal, choosing books over company is founded on the soundness of the choice of secure entertainment (books) over unreliable and unbalanced people (company of friends). Thus, clashing with numerous quotes such as :
'the only way to make no mistakes is to be doing nothing'
So I guess I am going through a period where I am testing my high and my lows but without the balance I feel too happy or too unhappy at times. Of course that is part of the balance, the too happy to outweigh the too unhappy (I would not like to use the term sad, as sad I am not) and thus learning to grow up and accept the bad with the good.
My burden in all that is that of my father. Born me at his 48th year of age (who starts a family when in his 50s??????) with no previous predicament of sorts and hence coming to his 72nd year where he has started a new business along with the old one for his children to take over when out of college. After a ga-zillion mistakes both businesses are broke as the family's finances and kids are left to fight off debts by selling property in their names...And all that by being indebted (I at least) when still in university!!!!!!!Just of my fathers vanity and over-indulgent belief that he will live forever. Obnoxious. Intolerable. Man do as you wish with YOUR life but leave me the heck alone!I have not deserved this for which the biggest mistake is to trust you even though signs of your incompetence have been slapping on my face for these 2 years I'm back trying to cover up your mess!You imbecile! Get a grip you sucker!You have been played at so many times and still you play your part as a sucker still and thus confirm my deepest fears that you are not acting the sitting bull strategy but that you are a sucker of a scum who has taken advantage of you and your family and of that you do nothing but still feed in the hopes he feeds you of opportunities he can only provide you!WAKE UP!
I feel justified because I have tried. First in a nice way, for 3-6 months max, trying to woo him into telling me what he's talking about with the scum and figure out WHY he's still conversing with him on anything let alone our business!our FAMILY business!!
Then frustration kept building up so I had the most maniac, out of proportions outbursts trying to blame somebody and let it not be my father who seemed such a victim of the scums all around him.
But then realization hit!THE SCUMS DIDN'T JUST SHOW UP!!!!!He had a lot of time to make the choices to lead us here!and most of all : IT IS NOT MY F**** FAULT!!!thank G for that last one for I would have lost my wits all together.
Two years now, things have settled to a course where we will have a chance of survival but his attachment to his favorite scum has not deteriorated. So a couple of months ago my outbursts and fits were turned into lectures and tantrums on my leave out of his life and our house(which is by the way in my and my other sibling's name).
None of that took any space in his straight, out-of-reality-but-his-own brain so now, today I disowned my relation to him. It is grave but so is all of his psychological violence I have fed up with two years now. I know I'll regret this but all I feel is that if I don't stand up for myself now I will perish in will and strength of self righteousness.
Parents make mistakes. No prob with that. But keep paying it for no obvious reason?I'm no masochist how much ever I love him he has let me down in protecting and acknowledging me. The threats I laid two months ago took no space and today within my explosion of emotions and truths I am trying to get him to 'get' I threatened him of actually kicking him out!That's the only time when he listens. When heavilly threatened. That's when he only actually showed a change of emotion. Which was of course regret, of actually trusting me but which of course was his choice. Thats when my mother actually stood up for me and asked 'Do you really believe she could do that?' Thats when he confirmed what I thought : 'Well, yes but that would be from my initial mistake of trusting her in the first place'. OH PLEASE Mr self-rigtheous!!Do please get over yourself and just grow up!!!!!!
My mother of course started a sarcastic laugh and thats when I realised that I would never actually do that. I am a nice person, I was two years ago for sure, and still try to survive as one but deep hurts teach you how to change into something, anything needed to survive. Thank G I'm not an alcoholic and I haven't found a source of getting weed. I did flirt with alcoholism on a period but it made me a bit too sleepy and dowsy...
All you need is loveeeeeeee.......I used to have a lot of love but now I'm filled with fantasies of kicking his head of and actually harming him!!!Anything I tell him has no effect!even when my insults grow worse, NOTHING!I'm done.
I first realized my father may die when I was 13 and he had a health problem of sorts. I was so depressed and sad.... I thought I was prepared since then that he will be gone one day. But now I need to protect any more harm in me. Disown him for good out of my heart. That should be tricky. I started two months ago. My rational judgement inside my head does tell me that
a)I will regret this
b)I should show him love and woe him into the right behaviour that will help our business
c)I would have been better off being a lamb and not shouting even once.
But I am so furious I cant consider letting him go that easy.
He has been naive and careless to the extent of stupidity thanks to his vanity of strength and immortality. This was very hard to grasp and that was my realization 2 months ago. May the outer forces help me for I am in need of strength to keep sane.
Most unfortunate is that nobody can understand me. Only me me.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Define yourself

Who are you?What are your foundations?

I see friendship and companionship but I believe if you really learn to live without them then you can really appreciate them!Like food, if you don't eat whenever you feel like it you will appreciate it and taste it better!I think that is the foundation of my 'boulimia':when stressed I indulge myself in anything my kitchen can provide!
If I can't have comfort from a friend, or the immediate solution to the problem that stresses me then I satisfy my need with temporary satisfaction of my appetite!It sounds logical now, I understand better when analyzed into a straight line of explanatory logic.
How do we fight this?Am I supposed to 'fight' this?Maybe accept it as a part of me and do the best I can to calm myself in those waves of confusion?The worse is that exercise with endorphins doesn't help much. I used to have those stressful attacks since I was 15 and worried with my weight due to social pressures. I believe back then I felt that if I could control the increase of my weight then I would have some saying into my body's image...that didn't cover it though, I really didn't care how my body looked, not even in the summer with a bathing suit no matter how tiny...
Always feel good by yourself and then see how you feel within a crowd.
It is a sentiment that I am trying to put into words but I cannot pin it down!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Loneliness - not always depressing?

I am alone. I did come to terms with it. I kept discussing with my friends how well aware I am of my consciousness and my self. How I am ok with who I am, mostly because I never had a relationship and was driven to find comfort in being single and by myself a lot. Now in the thought of somebody reading this makes me feeling embarrassed. Why should I be embarrassed because I feel lonely? Everyone is alone. This is what you can be 100% certain in your life. You are always alone, even with company. So when first in hand with this truth I tried to see my fears of being alone as a fear I have to accept to live with.
But we are all alone in our lives. And in that we are the same!No need to distinguish ourselves out of the whole as I did all this time. I felt inferior and less of a person because, I think, I could see all my faults and couldn't acknowledge my insecurities. There's this passage from Paulo Coehlo's book Brida that once I read it I saw through myself!

Brida was different. Her prayer had deeply touched the Magus’s soul. She had understood that no human being who has walked this planet was or is different from the others. Few people were capable of saying out loud that the great Teachers from the past had the same qualities and the same defects as all men, and that this in no way diminished their ability to search for God.

Judging oneself to be inferior to other people was one of the worst acts of pride he knew, because it was the most destructive way of being different.’

It helped me so much. This past year I kept evolving my character by bulging into reality with work, with all the problems and ridiculousness of it all. I began to take things less seriously and just get over it. Two quotes serve me here:

'If it wasn't this, it would have been something else'
'Get over it, there are worse problems in the world'

I was always a more realistic person concerning romance but in secret I longed for it. Of course no reality obliged and came to realize what a fool we all are. Romance does not come from the perfection of situations and actions but from the imperfections and funny awkward moments of relationships. Of feeling embarrassed and seeing understanding of the quote of we are not different from each other. The simplicity just banged on my head and I laughed my heart out. How come no-one has discovered that yet?

Friday, March 12, 2010

My literature journey so far

It is crazy how I never enjoyed reading books before. I remember when at fourteen I came across the third book of Harry Potter and I was infatuated. In the first scene of book 1 when uncle Vernon is chasing around the influx of mail owls with the letter of acceptance from Hogwarts I laughed my heart out; I remember myself all alone in open air without a sound (I was near the sea) all around but my laughter. Then I realized that books can be fun!
After the Harry Potter feast I didn't seek any other source of reading, I did go through Dan Brown and Eight, Memoirs of a Geisha, The Constant Princess but they did not make much of a mark in my way of thinking.
Maybe 'the Constant Princess' did affect me in depth: a historical novel by Philippa Gregory about Catherine the first wife of Henry the VII who overcome all obstacles and ate up her pride and honor to get the end she fought for. I do not believe that I would like her if I met this character in real but I did admire her courage!
Coming up I read The Other Boleyn Girl, by Philippa Gregory as well. She has taken on all of the women of Henry the VII and made a fictional novel of each. The movie was ok (2008) mostly because of the costumes and Scarlett-undying fan of hers I am- and so since I had read the Constant Princes even before the movie was out I felt I had forgotten Catherine enough to pludge into Mary Boleyn. I must say I felt Catherine's companion and co-sufferer but with Mary I was just an observant of her experiences. Not that that is bad but it was just happening with no feelings! I adore that era so I kept indulging myself in the manners and courtship of it all.

In 2008 I began my current job but didn't bother me till I was a psychological mess in the rise of 2009 and the economic crisis...
That was when I downloaded a CAM version of Twilight just to find something to go numb-of-thought over. It was cute and enticing and after the 'google effect' found out that it came from a book!How convinient to have some time in my hands and actually find it in pdf then and there!I downloaded it and didn't stop reading!That was Tuesday.
The on-screen-reading didn't bother me, so I went on to the second by Friday. Fortunately, a friend was going to London for vacation just for the weekend so by Sunday I had all four books on paperback and was just beginning the third book.
Stephanie Meyer saved my sanity in that time of my life. I was lost in my real life and found a world to which I can escape into another world and return with a clear head to my problems.
In the following two months I read each book at least 6 times with no exaggeration. I kept moving from one part to another, opening them randomly and reading till the end and so on...
Then I realized I am torturing my self by reading them over and over and I had to give them up in order to re-capture them after I 'forget' them a bit. And so I let them go, like an addiction I didn't know what to do with my free time!Imagine I was eyeing the books like and addict!LOL:)
Then I came across forums with people with the same problem seeking other books or Sagas in order to satisfy their hunger!
All leading to the discovery of 'my anona mouse . net': a audiobook/pdf book site that has a vast selection of books, book recommendations and easy to gain points to up your torrent ratio!If I didn't gain that easy bonus points, I would definitely donate. Maybe laterz...
So I made a list of ALL the books I read in this past year (I now realize its a year since twilight!!!) with a couple out that will definitely get once out.. eventually!

Twilight Saga, Stephanie Meyer (paperback)
Midnight Sun
The new moon
Breaking Dawn

House of Night, P.C. Cast -Kirsten Cast (audiobooks)
Burned, 27th April 2010

Blue Bloods, Melissa De La Cruz (aydiobooks)
Blue Bloods
The Van Allen Legacy
Misguided Angel, fall 2010
Wolf Pact, 2011

The Mortal Instruments, Cassandra Clare (audiobooks)
City Of Bones
City Of Ashes
City Of Glass
City Of Fallen Angels, 11th March 2011

A certain Slant of Light, Laura Whitcomb (audiobook and then pdf midway)

Fallen, Lauren Kate (audiobook and pdf in the same time)
Torment, fall 2010
Rapture, 2011

Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte (audiobook and pdf - Fallen felt like training for Jane Eyre since she was way more challenging in its level of english)

Various Artists - The eternal Kiss (Audio)

Jo Beverley
Company of Rogues - Arranged Marriage, Nicholas and Elenor (audio)
Malloren - Winter Fire, Ash and Genova (audio)
Company of Rogues - An Unwilling Bride, Beth and Lucious (audio)
Company of Rogues - Dangerous Joy, Felicity and Miles (audio)
Secrets Trilogy - Book Two - The Secret Wedding, Dorcas and Christian (paperback)
Company of Rogues - To Rescue a Rogue - Dare and Mara (paperback)
Company of Rogues - The Rogues Return - Jancy and Simon (paperback)
Malloren - My Lady Notorious - Chastity and Cyn (pdf)
Malloren - Devilish - Beowolf and Elisabeth (pdf)
Company of Rogues' World - Lady Beware - Horatio and Thea (pdf)

Persuasion (currently on chapter 4), Jane Austen

That makes 32 books in one year since March 2009. OUAO. This is OUAO - so many world and crypts to hide over! :)

But unfortunately non of them have been inviting enough to re-read them once over. Only Jo Beverley has astonished me with her innovation: every book is so different in context, character and situations that the next but still has the same qualities and traits.

Imagine how many hours I've spent with my ipod in hand for these audiobooks!every book is around 7 to 9 hours of air time!LoL.... Most of this time was spent in work, doing paperwork, driving (mostly...I even almost crashed because I was swept away in a book..), relaxing in my sofa...

I even got my ipod with me when going out just as a protection if I get bored or I have some spare time to take it on again....Lame I know, I even took a book of Jo Beverley I hadn't read yet in case I might want to start! I believe it was a cushion for awkward situations, an escape!To what point does this addiction resemble drugs?Funny to get drug addicts into reading!!!haha would it work?with the right motivation....all is possible!
Now on Persuasion...I'm quite bored in reading as I was on listening right around when I began Jo Beverley's collection...well..

I'll see how it goes!In truth, because of my long book list so far a friend recommended me to blog about them and write critics on every one!but I see it as a very very long project so I will have this blog as whatever comes out from now on.-

Thursday, March 11, 2010

'percy jackson and the olympian lightning thief'

This is a fictional movie about a secret born demi-god of the 12 gods of Olympous world. Well. If you consider greek mythology fiction then you might cover it up..
I am Greek so basic knowledge of mythology is set in my mind since childhood, so I am annoyed that Persephone's tale is totally mixed up as she's one of my favorites.
Persephone is the daughter of Demetra, goddess of agriculture, and Zeus, the king of the gods. Zeus promised her as a wife to Pluto, the ruler of the under world and master of Hades, but he decided to abduct her. That made Demetra so sad that all agriculture died and humans suffered. Zeus then decided that Persephone will be spending one third of the year in the under world with her husband and the rest in mount Olympus with her mother. That is the tale but the most important part for me is that is they way ancient Greeks explained the four seasons of 4 months of bad weather and 8 months of good weather. Putting magic in simple daily matters is what I treasure most.
Actually that was the biggest of my disappointments from this movie but for the sake of the scenario and the movie's plot I see the necessity of drawing it in that way.

Uma Therman was sensational, she could make snake-hair look envious!She spur magnificence and superiority of a goddess as Medusa implored! Although she is an amazing actress, the rest of the movie where her 'head' was carried around like a football was not in her forte...

The movie is based on a book, yes it is!check it here !As I am a book saga fan I would give it a go as I have heard a lot of positive feedback of addiction in the series but not after the movie. The ridiculously obvious solutions to their obstacles was really making me gag and thus lay aside the protagonists nature to be a hero to simple luck to find the exact puzzle piece to every obstacle! See golden drachmas coins found by chance in their first stop and actually putting them in the pocket and then miraculously being useful to pay the boat keeper to pass them through the under world! I actually saw through it when they found them in the first place!so cliché!
Please do not think my criticism mean, or vengeance of the lost two hours of my life. I blame it to my undying hope to watch films and still being amazed by them and having no clue how its going to end! The movie was good, i give you that, good actors and good acting(!), good effects, good costumes and good themes but in the purpose of entertainment shouldn't there be some suspense on the final outcome maybe being a disaster????can't they confuse us a tiny bitty??

In this thread I am led to speak of one of the best movies I have seen which undeniably refutes the inability of modern cinema to entertain with new innovative movies.
That is 'The Lovely Bones'. Aaahhh. Only in the view of the poster I miss the sweetness of this movie... Saoirse Ronan plays Suzzie Salmon, *like the fish* as she says, and she is the victim of a vicious man. Although he movie is a thriller the actual murder is never shown. I believe the movie actually gives the same sense as a book does when you know all the facts about the murder, you haven't gone through it but you know how it felt and what happened exactly to the second!Does this makes sense to you? it does to me:)
Even the setting of 1970s inspires a romanticism in this sweetness that comes out of Saoirse Ronan. She did look familiar,,, and with imdb's help I found her out in Atonement as the spoiled little jealous sister! I so can't wait her next project, she is amazing!
This movie goes in the top 10 of forever (which says alot) and its storyline is quite simple, also coming from a book of the author Alice Sebold. After I watched the movie I thought of reading the book but of course it was so vivid in my mind (still is 3 months later) that I chose to read her other work called 'Lucky' a memoir about her rape in her college years. Well, I left it midway, it was making me sad, even though maybe the second part would lift me up and show the strength that came after such a devastating experience but still it didn't hold me. Hopefully around summer I'll get it out of my mind enough to read the book..

To close this post and to relieve you from concern that I had a bad time during the Percy Jackson and the Olympian lightning thief movie I have to confess that me and my 2 friends did enjoy ourselves as we laughed till we cried, we even made the rest of the audience laugh with our shrieks! From that aspect it was the most entertaining movie ever!(no pun intended) Maybe I will try the books in inspiration of Harry Potter style of kid-found out he's special-superpowers-fighting